he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
