Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
