If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
