i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
