Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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