when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
