Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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