I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
