Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
time to smoke my breakfast
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
