Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
