shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
