well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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