I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
