I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
