i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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