I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
