Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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