I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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