That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
