Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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