So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
