you would pick up someone in the library
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
