Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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