So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
