It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
