You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
