I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
