I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
no, he came in my armpit
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
