So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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