Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
