Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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