She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
