and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
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Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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