When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
