There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.