I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You coming home soon, man?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.