I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?