He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately