i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
