matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize