so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
