is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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