Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
