I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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