so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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