Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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