Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
