I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
