she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
