Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
