I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We need to rekindle our bromance
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
