this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
