I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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