Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
