Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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