Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
