my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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