i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
