i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
