the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
