Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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