DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
